For the first time in my fifteen years of life I cried in the memories of a stranger. Oh, it would be untrue if I am saying him stranger. He was my close friend or beyond that… Even now I don’t know how to categorize my feelings for him. When I saw him for the first time, during the Maths tuition class, I felt something wrong with me, he sat on the bench just opposite to me on the other class. Our classes where parted with curtains. First I tried to make an unsuccessful attempt to myself to forget him I tried to convey me that I am here to study not for falling in love. But after one week I realized that I just can’t keep myself away from him. Much to my astonishment, I started waking up in the early morning which I never did in my past, I usually hated early wake ups… and now here I am waking up at 6 AM. Usually after school I would reach home by 4 PM and used to have a black tea and then will gather at the nearby jungle with all the kids in my neighborhood and I adored a very good quality (might be bad in your terms) I can play with a toddler at the age of one even ! Particularly I never looked at the age group, I can have the company of a toddler to an old person. I enjoyed that evening moments and I just hated the early morning hours because morning will start with the boring tuitions, then with the extra boring school classes.
But after seeing him I began to like the tuition classes and my nature has been transformed from that of an innocent kid to a teenager, I started enjoying the moments of loneliness. Instead of playing with friends I would go to the nearby jungle with a pen and book and listened to the beautiful voices of wind and birds for hours I looked at the tranquil sky and imagined as he is sitting next to me, I can hear his breathe, I can look at his beautiful eyes….. This way I created a dreamy world for us, In that wonder world we were never disturbed by the boring lectures, especially of the Maths teacher. Our world consisted of me and him. In my wonderland I made a timber home, when we opened the large glass window the cold breeze of the surrounding trees touched our body and through the window we saw a small stream flowing slowly……and in each and every single moment we loved each other more and more. I wrote passionately about him, his dark hair, and eyes wearing specs, about the way he looked and smiled.
One day I decided to empty my thoughts and I told my tuition friends Asha and Sabi about my feelings for him. They began to laugh at me and at my romantic thoughts wrote on the book and asked “Hey, why are you loving him, You very well know that basically it is impossible for you to make a relationship with him

Ente swapnangal njan ninakkayi
Mathram nalkan agrahikkunnu

Ente swapnangal nirapakittullavayanu..
Ente swapnangaliloode njan ethrayo
Thavana ninnil alinju theernitundu..

Neeyum njanum mathramakunna
Aa manohara nimishangalil

Njan ennum ashichirunnu
Nee ente mathram ayirunnenkil ennu..

Ente kathirippinu avasanam undakumo?

I always like to get drenched on rain... Really that creates an awesome and of course an indescribable feeling of love towards someone... Like the nature cares for me and it seems as if the nature is hugging me with tears pouring from her eyes… During my childhood I used to enjoy the heavy rain of 'Edavapathi' in my small village called Cheruthuruthy in Trichur Dist. Usually heavy rain with thunderstorm will come at the evening time, mostly after leaving the school... My friends just hated and they used to curse the rain... N as you know, I always enjoyed the heavy rain... I felt as if the heavy rain behaves like a mad woman, she always wanted to show her affection towards all but she didn't get anything in return, not even a kind look… so she got mad and began to sing songs and I believe she is singing through the raindrops....

So I used to listen her songs with compassion...so that she will get someone to listen and to relieve her from the clutches of madness… each and every raindrop says the story of her feelings, her emotions, her pain, her sorrows... Once she sang a song about her soul mate... She loved him, she cared for him, she always had taken care of him, she lived the way he wanted her to be, and the days passed. One day he told her that he would never marry her and much to her shock he added " I know that you loves me and you can't live without me, I too loves you but I need freedom, which you will never give since you are considering me as your pet. Your possessiveness kills my individuality and I never ever wanted that. You are murdering my soul even though you satisfies my hunger for everything" … From then she began to drew back herself from him and felt lonely. He flew away to abroad to pursue his further studies without saying a single word and never returned. She waited for his calls, she waited him on their regular meeting place, she wrote him so many letters, she cried and cried, without realizing that she is wasting time and gradually she made a shell out of that loneliness. One day she couldn't stop her from the feeling of emptiness and ended her life...
Alas! I was really stunned by her story... I don't know whether in couple life, it is necessary to give each other a space for themselves. As far as I know sharing life together means spending each and every single moment for one another..
Anyways her song was touching and after the heavy pouring of tears she began to weep like kids that time a cold breeze has come and he began to console her and gradually she stopped weeping.. May be that wind might have been able to understand her feelings and have been consoled her...

Ekanthathyude Nilavarakalil
Ninne thedi njan alayukayanu...
Nee mathramalle ente kinavukalkku
chirakukal nalkidunnathu?
Neeyakunna mayaye njan innum
Mithyayi kanan agrahikunnilla
Ente mizhikal innum ennum
Ninakkayi mathram alayunnu..
Ennenkilum nam thammil Kanumo??

Love is what I searched for...
The beautiful four letters...
I had seen it in your eyes..
But you have not expressed it...
By the time you will show your love..
I may not be here to feel it...